Seven weeks and three days ago my dad died.
So much of life has happened since then but I’m not sure if I’ve accepted it or not.
So I looked up what ‘accept’ actually means:
- To consent to receive
- To give an affirmative answer to
- To believe or come to recognise as correct
- To tolerate or submit to
No, I haven’t consented to, given an affirmative answer to, believed or recognised as correct, or tolerated the fact of my father’s death.
Now that doesn’t mean I’m in denial. Nor does it mean that I am in permanent distress. I am getting on with my routine, working hard, looking after my family, running Boys’ Brigade, even celebrating our Silver Wedding. I wake up ready to face the day as usual.
But then that moment of remembrance catches me – he’s gone. Or in the middle of the day, I come across someone who doesn’t know and have to explain why I’m not quite my normal self. Or I suddenly recall that I can no longer ask him any questions about our family history, or hear him tell his Air Force stories any more, or lean into his chest for another cuddle, or hear him say he loves me.
No, I haven’t accepted this new reality yet of a life without him. I don’t want to.
One day I will.
But not yet.